Sermon on the Mount


Every few thousand years, inexplicable things happen and are immediately boarded up or erased from popular memory.
This is one of them.

Alupihan Archives

CASE FILE NO. 00012252016


Presiding Officer: Col. Dante Argayosa

DANTE: Mr. President, I understand on December 24th of the current year, you claim that you were taken to a bare mountain surrounded by a bone dry desert, desolate and filled with the bones of animals.

PRESIDENT: That is correct. I told you, why you people keep asking me the same stupid questions again and again. Putangina.

DANTE: I’m sorry sir for the clarification. Can you just tell your story again. I need to hear it for myself.

PRESIDENT: I didn’t see anyone. I was calling my dear friend Boopsie on my landline in the office and then everything just went dark. Next thing I knew I was in this mysterious land. On a fucking mountain. A mountain on Christmas Eve!

DANTE: Dark you say? Was there a brownout?

PRESIDENT: Inutile! There are no brownouts at the Malacanan Palace!

DANTE: Apologies again, sir. Just trying to understand what happened.

PRESIDENT: You interrupt me again with stupidity, I KILL YOU. Do you understand soldier? I will stand by you and the other soldiers but if you interrupt me or criticize me in public, I KILL YOU. With my bare hands. While blindfolded. With my hands tied to a post or behind my back.

DANTE: Yes sir. I agree sir.

PRESIDENT: Are you being sarcastic?

DANTE: What is sarcastic sir?

PRESIDENT: Dios mio. Remind me to call the coterie of two and three star generals to give you a good beating after this.

DANTE: Y-Yes sir.

PRESIDENT: Anyway, anyway. I was taken to this mountain. Everything around me was bone dry and dead. Then a bearded man in a long, flowing, white toga approached me. He had this amazing beard that reached all the way down to the ground. He kept stroking his beard. I would probably stroke my beard if it was that long, too. Magnificent beard. He probably spends a ton of money for shampoo just to keep it silky smooth.

DANTE: What did you ask him sir?

PRESIDENT: I said of course, hello. Like this: hello, hello, hello how do you do. I did that a couple of times to get some practice.

DANTE: O-Okay then?

PRESIDENT: He smiled at me only. He spoke another language. Not English. Not even French or Spanish.

DANTE: What did he speak?

PRESIDENT: He spoke with squeaks! Like a rusty door!

DANTE: (To himself) Putangina pala ano.

PRESIDENT: What did you say soldier?

DANTE: Wala po sir.

PRESIDENT: So he squeaked and squeaked like a rusty door. And he pointed all around me. He began making these crazy gestures, like counting on his fingers and pointing at the bone dry skeletons in the desert. His eyes were rolling all over the place. His tongue too!

DANTE: Do you think this could be related to what we’re doing at the moment?

PRESIDENT: No. I don’t think so.

DANTE: How can we help?

PRESIDENT: I think the strange man wanted me to keep doing what I am doing. I think he was encouraging me! So I want you guys to keep it up! Even divinity is saying we are doing a good job!

DANTE: Really sir?!

PRESIDENT: Why, do you doubt my eternal wisdom?

DANTE: No sir.

PRESIDENT: Putangina ka pala e.

DANTE: Sorry sir!

– End Transcript –

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